Project Purity is dedicated to supporting singles in discovering purpose in their journey of becoming whole. They are also a group of men and women who encourage celibacy in a way that is attainable in your dating and pursuit of marriage.
Each month, Project Purity features married couples who share their stories of the dating process and life after marriage. Singles, wouldn't you like to know what married life is really about from the marital perspective? Check out this month's couples and read about their journey of marriage!
Kenneth and I were happy to participate in an interview and be featured as one of the featured couples. Below is a snippet of our interview. Jump over and check out the rest of it here!
Kenneth & LaSandra Hutchinson Length of marriage: 12 years 1. How did you and your spouse meet? We went to high school together. Kenneth can remember the first time he saw me freshman year in English class,room 108. He still describes what I was wearing that day. We began our friendship during sophmore year while in World History class. 2. What are your views on marriage? We view marriage as a blessing from the Lord, an opportunity to experience love and companionship. It also refines your character and causes you to have to really grapple with your own shortcomings. 3. How has it changed you? Marriage has helped both of us to mature. We have grown in selflessness, in mercy, and compassion. Both of us have become more of who God has ordained us to be through the marriage as well. We both push the other towards their destiny and have supported each other.
In a season when I am praying about and looking to strengthen my relationships and my relational ability, this talk is so relevant and helpful! Take a listen and let me know what you think.
I think most of us can identify times when God has been portrayed as a hard taskmaster. We may pinpoint times in which he has been presented to us or viewed by us as distant, indifferent or detached. Nevertheless, that is not an adequate portrayal of who God is or how he wants us to view/relate Him.
In fact, I have recently been hearing the term "sonship" be used to address this issue. Although I am still learning, it is my understanding that embracing sonship means to embrace and be rooted and grounded in the truth that we are sons and daughters of God. We have been adopted by Him and therefore, can approach him with all of the confidence and surety of a child approaching his or her dad. I think this song speaks well to that truth, the essence of our relationship with God, and how we should view Him. It has really been ministering to me. I hope you enjoy it as well!
When I became a born-again christian (John 3:5), about 10 years ago, it was really the truth that God loved me that radically changed my life! I "knew" that the bible said God loved us all, but I had not had the type of revelation on God's love that Joyce talks about below until I studied the love of God, spent time in prayer, and really took note of how God was answering my prayers.
That was about 10 years ago, and I think its time for a refresher course!
In the clips below, Joyce Meyer explains how she got a revelation on God's love for her and offers suggestions on how we can study and grow in our understanding of God's love. I think I am going to take her advice. Want to join me?
"For Christians, rather than asking, "Why does God allow suffering? or even, "Why am I suffering?" we should ask, "How can I suffer well?"
In his book, Velvet Elvis, Bible teacher Rob Well writes, "Ultimately our gift to the world around us is hope. Not blind hope that pretends everything is fine and refuses to acknowledge how things are. But the kind of hope that comes from staring pain and suffering right in the eyes and refusing to believe that this is all there is. It is what we all need-hope that comes not from going around suffering but from going through it."
Let's pray that God will allow us the privilege and strength of suffering well...for our sake, for his sake and for the sake of those who don't yet know him." (Zondervan Women's Devotional Bible, pg 1496).
Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. ~2 Timothy 2:3
Not long ago, some areas of my life took a turn for the worst. My response was not so good and I went on a little journey.
I found myself on a street called, Why. Why this? Why now? Why me? Why Street turned out to be a dark and gloomy place. It seemed to wind and turn, with no end in sight. But, I kept going. Eventually, I found myself on Woe Street.
To my dismay, Woe Street was evenuglier than Why Street! Woe is me was the thought pattern there. The longer I stayed on that street, I realized that there was a party going on: a pity party. Even though it seemed like the party would make me feel better, I only became sadder and sadder. It was dark and dismal. Eventually, I even grew bitter and angry on Woe Street. There was no peace. No happiness. But, I kept going. Soon, I came to a street called, Hopeless.
Hopeless Street is a scary place. There is no light. There is no smiling or laughter there at all. I found that Hopeless Street only led to a dead end.
When I saw that Hopeless Street only led to a dead end, I wanted to get on a new route. But, I didn't know how! So, I decided to back up and turn around to go back the way I came. As soon as I did, I noticed a very small detour sign that read; Repentence Road. I hopped on!
As I drove down Repentence Road I saw that the sun was shining there! It was warm and calm. Soon, I passed by Humility Drive, Thankful Place, and Trust Boulevard. Finally, things began to look beautiful again!
I came back around to the place that I started my journey and I realized there was a Wrong Way sign on Why Street and an arrow pointing to an alternative route. It was called What Street. What does the Lord want me to do? What should I be learning from this? What does God's word say about this? were the questions being asked on this street and it was a much more peaceful and fruitful street.
I don't know where you are in your life, but take it from me; if you find yourself with unfavorable circumstances and you're tempted to go down Why Street, don't do it! Save yourself some time and pain and take the alternative route!
There is a way which seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death. (Proverbs 14:12)
Because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted (2:18).
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin (4:15).
He is the incomparable Christ. He was tempted but without sin
So, verse 16 of Hebrews 4:
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (4:16).
You see that word help twice in those verses. “He’s able to help those who are being tempted.” “He will give grace to help us in our time of need.”
I looked up that word in the original Greek language. It’s a word that’s used to describe a rope or a chain that is used to hold together a boat, a vessel that is falling apart. It’s called “frapping a vessel.” It’s wrapped around this vessel, and it’s used to hold it together.
It’s the same word that’s used in Acts chapter 27 when the apostle Paul was in this boat going to Rome and a great storm came up, and the boat was going to be shipwrecked. It says, “They used supports to undergird the ship” (v. 17). That word supports is the same word help. “He is able to help those who are being tempted.
I’ve come to love this picture because when our little “ship” is being storm-tossed, and we feel like we’re in danger of falling apart from being assaulted by the evil one, from being tempted and tried, Jesus is the one who holds us together, who undergirds us, who supports us. He can do this, He help us, He can hold us together, because He knows what it is to be tempted and tried Himself without ever having given in to temptation.
Doesn't that sound good? I don't know about you, but when the storms of life are raging, I'm so glad that I can depend on Jesus to "frap" me and hold me together!
We loved Flywheel, Facing the Giants, and Fireproof. In September 2011, Sherwood Pictures will be introducing its newest motion picture: Courageous! I can't wait!
There's not much that can compare to the love felt when friends and family go out of their way to bless you during these initial postpartum weeks.
Amidst the bits and pieces of both bliss and chaos that usually surround the postpartum season, we our are so thankful to have been blessed with delicious soups, lasagna, sweets, phone calls, visits, and gifts for the baby. I think that my appreciation for these things grow as our family grows. Moreover, seasons like this one, when I am on the "receiving" end, cause me to think of more ways I can be a blessing to others in the future when I have the opportunity to be on the "giving" end.
There are so many ways in which people can be a blessing to each other. Even when our own resources seem limited, I think it helps to think creatively. Jenn, a blogger and mother of 3 writes;
"...I believe in living creatively. Even if you can't draw a straight line. Can you make a warm and comfortable home? Can you fix an engine? Bake a pie? Write a poem? Living creatively is living in harmony with God's creative spirit. God is the Creator and we were created in His image. We weren't meant to sit uselessly and be entertained. We weren't made to always receive. We were made to move, to love, to work, to serve..."
The song below is the song that caused me to fall in love with Third Day's music. I have seen so many comments under this song on You Tube of people describing how this song carried them through while they overcame addictions and/or went through hardships. Some even said that this song caused them to be a Christian!
I don't know about you, but there are plenty of decisions I have made as a Christian that I made simply by faith. I don't know if I would have chosen particular roads in and of my own desires. No, in fact, I KNOW there are some roads I would have NEVER chosen in and of my own desires.
Nevertheless, when faced with decisions, after you go down the line of "What does God think about this?" "What does the bible say about this?" "Which way does it seem like God is leading me based on my prayers and experience with him?" and/or seeking godly counsel, you have to make a decision. The decision can be based on faith in God or fear of failure.
So, I try my best to go the faith in God route, even though some of those decisions have been hard. Some of them, I have made and lived out, and am living out, while still fighting fear and doubt.
Still, even in the hardest of times, God has shown me that he is with me. So much so, that the wonder of it all makes it hard to even explain it. Have you been there?
The comfort of knowing that no matter what is going on, that my loving, all-powerful God is in it with me, is enough to help me stay on the road. And, the wonder of how God reveals this, even at the darkest of hours, is what this song makes me think about. I hope it does that for you too!
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. (Psalm 23:4, NLT)
In this clip, gospel music artist, CeCe Winans is speaking to a group of young people.
She not only expounds on what it means to be sanctified, or set apart for God, she further explains that we should be boldly take a stand against the things of this world, even when it comes to the way we dress!
"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek"(Rom 1:16).
In Part 1 of this series I made the point that what we wear sends a message. If you missed Part 1 of this modesty series you can read it here.
In Part 2, I would like to go further into the fact that as Christian women, God's will is that we make certain that the message we are sending by the way we dress, is one that reflects his will for us.
Here are some points that will help us understand God's will for us in this area:
#1. God wants us to be modest.
1 Tim. 2:9In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.
The word of God admonishes us to adorn ourselves modestly; meaning in a way that is moderate and restrained. The versus above also let us know that God wants us to be more concerned with our character and with having a meek and quiet spirit, than with our hair, makeup, outfits etc.
#2. God wants us to understand that immodesty leads to sin.
Mattew 5:28 says, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Adultery is a sin. The verse above lets us know that if I man even looks at a woman and lusts after her in his heart, he has already committed adultery and has sinned.
Men are naturally visual and attracted by what they see. So, can you imagine how much sexual temptation is bombarding men in the sex-saturated culture we live in?
Can you imagine how difficult it is for a man to guard his eyes and his heart from lust with all of the half-naked women on television, in magazines, on billboards, on the street, at work, and at church?
Yes, I said, "at church" because they are there too. What a shame it is when a man who loves God and has come to church on Sunday to enter into the sanctuary to praise his God can barely even look around because of all of the breast, butts, and hips that "the women of God " have on display.
#3. God wants us to be apart if the solution, not the problem.
God hates lust. He died to deliver man from it. Lust is a huge problem for many people and it leads to adultery, fornication, pornography, and other sexual addictions. It is destroying peoples lives.
As a Christian woman, if I am dressing in a way that is causing men to lust, then I am apart of this problem, not the solution.
But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.7“What sorrow awaits the world, because it tempts people to sin.
Temptations are inevitable, but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting.8So if your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It’s better to enter eternal life with only one hand or one foot than to be thrown into eternal fire with both of your hands and feet (Mattew 18: 6-8).
The scriptures above let us know that God doesn't only judge those who sin, but those who cause others to sin by their actions. Dressing immodestly may seem like a "small" or "insignificant" action; however, because that action can cause someone to stumble and to fall into temptation, then it is a very big deal to God.
On the other hand, when I am modestly dressed, I glorify God by not only being an example of what is pleasing to Him, but people can be comfortable in my presence because I am not dressed in a way that is distractingly provocative and that might cause them to stumble.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with being cute, or what I call "Modestly Fashionable." Seriously, if I had it my way, I would resemble someone who just stepped out of a J. Crew catalogue.
Nevertheless, I want to make sure that I don't follow trends and fashions off the deep end. Regardless of what our style or particular absolutes may be when it comes to what we wear, God wants modesty.
Furthermore, I do realize that even if every Christian woman walked around wearing a potato sack, some men are going to lust regardless, because they have a lust problem. This is sad, but true. Even so, this fact does not change God's word or mind on this issue. God is still holding us accountable to be be apart of the solution, not the problem!
Either I don't care what God thinks, or I haven't thought about what God thinks.
Female beauty is defined by sexuality.
The comments above are the responses of a participants who were asked to look at various pictures of women from popular magazines and the say what message the pictures were sending.
None of the comments are surprising when you really think about the way in which women are usually portrayed in magazines, music, movies, and videos. In fact, during this time in American history, if someone could make a very long list of things we are lacking in, sensuality, sex, and seduction, would not be on it.
"Now clothing also communicates a message, sends a message, about our values, our character, our attitudes...For example, in Proverbs 7:10 we read this phrase . . . it's talking about a seductive woman, and she's married, and she's trying to lure a man who is not her husband into her bedroom.
It said that she had on the "attire of a harlot." Now, it doesn't describe in that passage what that clothing looked like. But when I say that, is there an image that comes to your mind?
The woman is dressed in a way that you can look at her and see that her motives are not pure toward this man. There's another passage in Genesis 38 that talks about a woman named Tamar, who was a widow and she wanted to seduce a man that she was not married to.
The Scripture says in Genesis 38:14 that "she took off her widow's garments." There was a specific type of clothing that would have communicated that she was a widow. She changed her clothes, and she put on the clothing of a prostitute.
The man she was trying to seduce knew her. In fact, he was her father-in-law. But when she changed her clothes, he didn't recognize who she was. He just looked at her clothes; he believed she was a prostitute, and he went in and was sexually intimate with her. Now, I say that not at all to justify him but just to say that clothing sends a message.
Women today are sending a message with their clothing. Many of them know exactly what message they're sending, but some are naive. They don't realize what they're sending. They've been so influenced by this culture that they don't know any other way to think about clothing."
If someone can have on the "attire of a harlot" then someone can have on "the attire of a godly woman." What's the difference?
In the midst of an over-sexualized culture that values the outward appearance above the character, what does God want from Christian women?
What message do people hear when they see us? What message does God want us to send?
I had so much to say on this issue, I had to break it up. Look for Part 2! Its coming soon!
Do you realize that we have not just entered a new year, but a new decade?
Can you remember where you were 10 years ago?
Can you imagine where you will be 10 years from now?
When I think back on last 10 years of my life, I can't help but to rejoice over all of the amazing things God has done! I also can't help but to feel excited about the future and about getting closer to God in this next decade.
One way I want to get closer to the Lord is to grab hold of, and to spend more time reading and speaking the word of God. The 30-day Challenge is a great start, but I don't want it to end there.
In her book, The Power of a Praying Woman, author, Stormie Omartian outlines 10 great reasons to read God's word.
10 Good Reasons to Read God's Word
1. To know where you are going. "...Direct my steps by your word, and let no iniquity have dominion over me" (Psalm 119:133).
2. To have wisdom. "...The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure. making wise the simple"(Psalm 19:7).
3. To find success. "...This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it, day and night, that you may observe to do all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperouss, and then you will have good success" ( Joshua 1:8).
4. To live in purity. "...How can a young man(woman) cleanse is way? By taking heed according to your word"(Psalm 119:9).
5. To obey God. "...Teach me, O Lord, the way of your statutes, and I shall keep it to the end..."(Psalm 119:33).
6. To have joy. "...The statues of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes"(Psalm 19:8).
7. To grow in faith. "...So then faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17).
8. To find deliverance. "....If you abide in my word, You are my disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free"(John 8:31-32).
9. To have peace. "...Great peace have those who love your law, nothing causes them to stumble"(Psalm 119:165).
10. To distinguish good from evil. "...Your word have I hidden in my heart, that I might not sin against you"(Psalm 119:11).
With God's word, we can't go wrong! Let's grab hold of it and go higher in Him!
The picture above is of Maggie Erber teaching a seminar at the 2009 Mother Daughter Tea. Maggie is the mother of 8 children & grandmother of 7.
I had the pleasure of hearing her share some of her experiences and wisdom on motherhood at the 2009 Tea. Below are some of the notes I took during Maggie's seminar. I hope that they will be as much of a blessing to you as they were to me.
*Please Note: I am paraphrasing her words, these are not quotes.
When you're feeling overwhelmed...
We honor God by continuing on the path he put us on, even when its hard, knowing that God has a plan for us.
When you're feeling overwhelmed, just do the next right thing that is in front of you (that may be praying, cooking dinner, or giving the baby a bath). That's the thing you have grace for.
When you're losing perspective...
God says that holiness is beautiful. When we think like God, then holiness is beautiful to us(Psalm 29).
A mother sacrificing her life to take care of her children is beautiful. (Titus 2 & Proverbs 31).
When you're struggling to have a good attitude...
The fruit of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galations 5:2).
Doing daily tasks with joy and the fruit of the spirit shows your children that holiness is beautiful and enjoyable. It causes your children to want to walk in the same path.
You may not feel like doing it, but actions lead and feelings follow.
When you're feeling like an inadequate parent...
Even though you see your faults, teaching your children to honor you, teaches them to honor God.
Teaching them to obey your low patient voice, prepares them to obey God's still small voice.
I was doing research for play-groups...and I came across Mocha Moms...I wanted you to view their website and possibly do a post on secular play-groups that have christian based values. After visiting the website I found that they have stay at home mothers who work from home, mompreneurs and moms who home-school; but all of them have decided to focus on the building of their home. They have educated women and women of varying socioeconomic backgrounds. I definitely saw a lot of the attributes of the virtuous woman. As you can see I am excited about it but I wanted you to look at it and tell me what you think.
Mocha Moms, Inc. is a support group for mothers of color who have chosen not to work full-time outside of the home in order to devote more time to their families and communities. Mocha Moms serves as an advocate for those mothers and encourages the spirit of community activism within its membership.
Although I am not a member of this group, I have considered joining it and/or others like it since I stopped working full-time in order to be the primary caretaker of my children and to devote more time to my family in general.
I think that the question above in very interesting, in that it raises the issue of being apart of a group that might not profess to be "Christian" but obviously supports ideas that are in alignment with Christian values, such Mocha Moms.
There are many things to consider in this situation. My mush brain caused a delay in my posting this, but here's my 2 cents:
Isolation Can Drive You Nuts!
Its no secret that having a shared-experience can help individuals create a bond with one another. In the workplace, even employees usually have an opportunity to talk, share ideas, and to bond around their work with the their co-workers. These types of interactions and bonds are the things that help "work" seem a little less like "work."
However, the STAHM is usually the sole adult at home working during the day. This level of isolation and can be very difficult to cope with day after day. Nevertheless, having time to connect ith other moms who are in the "thick" of motherhood can break up the monotony of diapers, dishes, and dusting!
Thus, being apart of a support system like Mocha Moms and/or other organizations like it, can serve as an outlet and an opportunity to combat some common downsides of isolated work: burnout, depression, and loneliness.
Being able to get out of the house and just go to the park, the library, or for a walk for a hour or so with another like--minded mom or group of moms can be rejuvenating!
Life is a Classroom...
...and it helps when classrooms have teachers!
I remember waking up about 3 months after resigning from my full-time employment in order to stay home with my newborn and having an "identity crises." "Who am I? What in the world am I doing here? Why would I ever quit my job? How can we afford to live on one income? What about all the blood, sweat, and tears I put into getting an education? Did I just throw that away? What should I be doing with my time?
Many of us desire to devote more of ourselves to our family, but don't have a real sense of what that looks like on the day-to-day. Moreover, for moms who have recently decided to take the plunge and quit their full-time employment to stay home, work seasonally, part-time, or from home, may be in a very uncomfortable and scary place!
However, not only does becoming a member of Mocha Moms and/or other organizations that open you up to a network of other women who are in the same place, but some of them may be "old pros" who have learned valuable skills related to finances, scheduling, health, cooking, hospitality that can empower you to be a better helper to your husband and mother to your children.
Also, being apart of a network like this can open up you mind to the endless possibilities of being a STAHM such as, starting home-based businesses, part-time work, homeschool, volunteer work, and other ideas that you may have never even thought about.
Eat the Meat and Spit Out Bones
Obviously, while Mocha Moms and many other groups like it do not profess to be "Christian" in their values, their values seem to be alignment with the biblical priorities for godly women that are described in the bible such as, Titus 2 and Proverbs 31. How do we navigate through a situation like this?
Personally, if I were to join a group like this for the support, I would still be prayerful and cautious and keep in mind my purpose for being there.
Although I may agree with most of the women there that staying home with my children is the best decision for my family, I may not agree with them on why it is best.
As a christian mom, I see my not working full-time as one decision I have made in efforts to fulfill God's calling on my life as a wife and mother. I believe that decision is supported by scripture (Titus 2, Proverbs 31). Nevertheless, I have to be aware that women stay home for other reasons that may be related to religious beliefs, upbringing, cultural norms, race, political views, and socio-economic status.
As a result, while we may agree on some priorities, we may completely disagree on other areas such as, child-rearing, media, politics, marriage etc. I think its unrealistic to think that those beliefs and values may not also be expressed and/or promoted in the conversation, speakers, and/or activities that the group may offer.
As a christian, I have to ask "Are there ungodly messages that may be influencing me(ex: another wife's disrespect toward her husband) and/or my children (ex: another child's disobedient spirit) in a negative way?
Remember that Seasons Change
It is important to find out the financial and the time commitment that joining a group like this calls for. There are usually membership dues and outings and activities may mean planning and/or committee work for you in the future. Keep in mind that seasons of life change, and that the level of involvement you are comfortable with at one point, may completely change somewhere down the line.
I have done both unpaid and paid work and have volunteered in different capacities since leaving my full-time employment to be a STAHM. Nevertheless, what seemed like a good idea and went very smoothly when I wasn't pregnant, became quite challenging for me to maintain during the times I was pregnant.
That is mainly because when I'm pregnant, even taking a shower seems like a daunting task. So you can imagine about how much enthusiasm I have for paid, unpaid, or any kind of work at all, during that time!
One should consider these kinds of life changes as well before making a commitment to being apart of a group like this.
Finally, whether or not someone joins a formal STAHM support group or not, having the encouragement, empathy, understanding, and insight of other women who are on the same path is an invaluable component to our success as homemakers!
"...the bigger picture...has to do with this epic story that God is writing.
He is a God of life, and when we cherish and value life, when we cherish and value children, we’re really standing against the schemes of the devil, who wants to cut off that next generation.
We’re being counter-cultural. We’re swimming upstream, and we’re saying, “'No, we want the baton of the gospel to be passed on intact to the generation to come, so that they can declare the goodness and the redeeming work and acts of God to the next generation.'”
~Nancy Leigh DeMoss in her interview with Carolyn McCulley, 9/4/09.
Before we were married, hubby and I read a book our pastor wrote entitled, "Marriages Are Not Made In Heaven." Chapter 10 is devoted to teaching married couples how to have a good fight.
Hubby and I have always been grateful for the information we received from this book because it allowed us to established "ground rules" for our disagreements before we were married. Although we have not always followed them perfectly, much of the time, having them in place has kept us from hitting below the belt, if you will.
I think that many couples who get married without growing up in a two-parent home or without being close to a couple who have a strong marriage lack the communication skills needed to 'have a good fight." Consequently, many words that cannot be taken back are often thrown out, never to be forgotten.
However, I think establishing some ground rules for the inevitable disagreements that will take place in a marriage can cause even the feistiest of couples to overcome problems in a more refined fashion.
Here are the ones from the book(Dr. D. Rayford Bell, pgs. 86-94):
1. Keep it Honest- "At the altar you vowed certain things. But have you ever committed yourself, verbally and honestly in your soul, to being authentic and honest with your partner, viewing your partner with respect?"
2. Keep it Under Control- "Make sure your weapons are not deadly...Be angry and sin not(Eph 4:26) When we attack the person instead of the problems, we move into deadly areas...when we make things personal or assault motives...when we reject rather than reprove...it is harmful.
Remove gross exaggerations such as "always" and "never" from your fights...remember those sweeping universal rebukes are not true."
3. Keep it Timed Right- "Be sure that both of you sense that this is the right time to talk. That's not when husbands come in from work and battle fatigue has set in over his day. Not when wives find a mountain of dirty dishes."
4. Keep it Positive- "When you come to your mate with a justified criticism, be quick to suggest a solution. Criticism hurts. A positive, supportive comment would help take some sting out of the wound."
5. Keep it Tactful- "This probably will be the most difficult rule to implement because when we have a point to make that we feel strongly about, we tend to get louder...This is profound with tact: you say, 'I trust you and I hope as I share these words I won't hurt you unnecessarily."
6. Keep it Private-"Don't swing at your mate in public. There are at least two ways that you can do this in a marriage...you can do it with open, bold embarrassment...or...you can do it with subtle, cutting sarcasm, either one hurts deeply."
7. Clean it Up- "'And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you'(Eph 4:32). The greatest exhibition of forgiveness took place at Calvary, fully forgive like He did."
My favorite on this list is the part about eliminating gross exaggerations like "never" and "always." I can't even begin to tell you how much smoother things have turned about because we don't use those words! Instead, we may say, "it seems like recently" or "sometimes" or "often times." This takes some self-control on the part of the accuser but, is usually appreciated by the accused and makes it easier for them to accept and own up to the point that is being made.
#3 is the most challenging for me because once I'm ready to talk, I'm ready to talk. It takes much prayer in order to keep from bombarding my husband with the emotions I'm feeling right at that moment, in order to wait for a more appropriate time.
How about you? Do you have some "ground rules" that you use in order to "have a good fight?"
