"Her price was everthing I had."

Below is a small segment of an interview that Nancy Leigh De moss did with Carolyn McCulley in September 2009. The two ladies had a very candid discussion about feminism and its effects on how society views sexuality.

After Nancy asks Carolyn a question about how we, as Christian women should view our sexuality, Carolyn tells this story...

Carolyn: ...I’d mentioned earlier in the show about this 15-year-old girl who had no knowledge or understanding of godly sexual relationships. I had the opportunity to introduce her to a married couple where I knew the man would be very direct. I encouraged him to talk to her very candidly about what men think of women in their sexuality and the value of modesty, the value of women who are reserved.

He looked at her, and he said, “My wife cost me everything. You need to understand something about economics in social relationships.”

He said, “If a candy bar costs a dollar, you’re just going to pay one dollar for the candy bar. You’re not going to pay two.”

He said, “So whatever value you put on yourself and access to you as a woman is the price it goes for on the market place, if you’re following me.”

He said, “I looked at my wife, and I knew that in order to have her affection, her attention, her romance, and her sexuality, I had to be able to pay everything I had. Her price was everything I had, my whole commitment to her and then some, for the rest of my life.”

Nancy: As in the covenant of marriage.

Carolyn: The covenant of marriage. That was her standard, her price. “If you want access to me, you marry me. There isn’t anything lesser than that.”

He said, “So she was no one-dollar candy bar. She was an everything-I-have candy bar, and it was worth it.”

He said, “You need to understand the value that God has given you because of who He created you to be.”

I thought this part of the interview exemplifies a beautiful and powerful approach to explaining God's will when it comes to human sexuality and the covenant of marriage. It is a message that's not heard enough in our day.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;...

...So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church" (Ephesians 5:25-29).

Laughing Bride Tells All

Watch below to view one couple's hilarious wedding video and hear their amazingly-beautiful story of courtship and sexual purity!

Benefits of Abstinence

1. Clear conscience with God.

2. Peace of mind in your life and future relationships, and marriage.

3. More self-respect and more respect for each other and respected by other people.

4. Always remember, in a healthy relationship, respect precedes love. And premarital sex only throws away your self respect and your partner's.

5. You enter marriage with a more positive outlook and without carrying emotional baggage.

6. Personal freedom for both of you and your (future) marriage partner.

7. Significantly better chance in having more satisfying and more stable marriage.

8. Longer lasting relationship. Premarital sex surprisingly breaks up more dating couples than any other factor.

9. No comparing or being compared sexually in marriage. It also means "being free to enjoy maximum sex, maximum leisure, maximum satisfaction, and maximum liberty, in the way God intended" that is in the covenant of marriage.

10. No worries about pregnancy and STDs.

11. Less worries about bad reputation.

12. It's a fact that persons and couples who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs as well.

13. Premarital sex often fools a person into marrying someone who really isn't right for them...

Click here to read more benefits and to learn more on Sexual Purity.

How To Have a Good Fight

Before we were married, hubby and I read a book our pastor wrote entitled, "Marriages Are Not Made In Heaven." Chapter 10 is devoted to teaching married couples how to have a good fight.

Hubby and I have always been grateful for the information we received from this book because it allowed us to established "ground rules" for our disagreements before we were married. Although we have not always followed them perfectly, much of the time, having them in place has kept us from hitting below the belt, if you will.

I think that many couples who get married without growing up in a two-parent home or without being close to a couple who have a strong marriage lack the communication skills needed to 'have a good fight." Consequently, many words that cannot be taken back are often thrown out, never to be forgotten.

However, I think establishing some ground rules for the inevitable disagreements that will take place in a marriage can cause even the feistiest of couples to overcome problems in a more refined fashion.

Here are the ones from the book(Dr. D. Rayford Bell, pgs. 86-94):

1. Keep it Honest- "At the altar you vowed certain things. But have you ever committed yourself, verbally and honestly in your soul, to being authentic and honest with your partner, viewing your partner with respect?"

2. Keep it Under Control- "Make sure your weapons are not deadly...Be angry and sin not(Eph 4:26) When we attack the person instead of the problems, we move into deadly areas...when we make things personal or assault motives...when we reject rather than reprove...it is harmful.

Remove gross exaggerations such as "always" and "never" from your fights...remember those sweeping universal rebukes are not true."

3. Keep it Timed Right- "Be sure that both of you sense that this is the right time to talk. That's not when husbands come in from work and battle fatigue has set in over his day. Not when wives find a mountain of dirty dishes."

4. Keep it Positive- "When you come to your mate with a justified criticism, be quick to suggest a solution. Criticism hurts. A positive, supportive comment would help take some sting out of the wound."

5. Keep it Tactful- "This probably will be the most difficult rule to implement because when we have a point to make that we feel strongly about, we tend to get louder...This is profound with tact: you say, 'I trust you and I hope as I share these words I won't hurt you unnecessarily."

6. Keep it Private-"Don't swing at your mate in public. There are at least two ways that you can do this in a marriage...you can do it with open, bold embarrassment...or...you can do it with subtle, cutting sarcasm, either one hurts deeply."

7. Clean it Up- "'And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you'(Eph 4:32). The greatest exhibition of forgiveness took place at Calvary, fully forgive like He did."

My favorite on this list is the part about eliminating gross exaggerations like "never" and "always." I can't even begin to tell you how much smoother things have turned about because we don't use those words! Instead, we may say, "it seems like recently" or "sometimes" or "often times." This takes some self-control on the part of the accuser but, is usually appreciated by the accused and makes it easier for them to accept and own up to the point that is being made.

#3 is the most challenging for me because once I'm ready to talk, I'm ready to talk. It takes much prayer in order to keep from bombarding my husband with the emotions I'm feeling right at that moment, in order to wait for a more appropriate time.

How about you? Do you have some "ground rules" that you use in order to "have a good fight?"

(Image from google images)

What He Must Be- Courtship Series Part 3

In Part 2 of the Courtship Series, I mentioned that since I did not have an active Christian father to set standards and guide me through the courtship process, I sought God for wisdom in this area. I listed some of the biblical standards that God illuminated during that time.

By contrast, Dr. Voddie Baucham is a very involved Christian father who is concerned with and has written a book on this topic.  

"What He Must Be… If He Wants to Marry My Daughter outlines ten qualities parents should look for in a son-in-law, including trustworthiness, a willingness to lead his family, an understanding of his wife’s role, and various spiritual leadership qualities."

Although written from the perspective of a father, Baucham's book can benefit anyone seeking a better understanding of biblical standards for husbands and the courtship process. Learn more about the book here .

Ending My Divorce Practice- Courtship Series Part 2

“Modern American dating is no more than glorified divorce practice. Young people are learning how to give themselves away in exclusive, romantic, highly committed (at times sexual) relationships, only to break up and do it all over again. God never intended for His kids to live like this. And instead of stepping in and doing something, many Christian parents simply view these types of relationships as a normal and necessary part of growing up. Unless your child is wiser than Solomon, stronger than Samson, and more godly than David (all of whom sinned sexually), they are susceptible to sexual sin, and these premature relationships serve as open invitations.” (Dr. Voddie Baucham in Family Driven Faith p. 21).

At 18 years old, toward the end of my freshman year of college, I reached the same conclusion that Dr. Baucham describes in the above quote. God had drew me into a closer relationship with him and after receiving the Holy Spirit, I was determined not to go back to my former way of doing things. So, that summer I decided that I was going stop dating. Instead, I would trust God to reveal who my future husband would be in his timing. Essentially, I put an end to my divorce practice, as Dr. Baucham would put it.

Honestly, this was no easy endeavor for me. It meant cutting off former inappropriate ties and relationships, some of which were really strong. In addition, I knew that if I was truly going to guard my heart as commanded in proverbs 4:23, I was also going to have to be diligent in preventing new inappropriate ties and relationships from forming. In efforts to do this, I went to various extremes.

I ended "friendships" with members of the opposite sex that seemed like they had the potential to turn into more. I stopped listening to and watching media that "fed" my desire for romance and companionship. I began to dress more modestly as to not attract ungodly attention from men or to send the wrong message. Instead, I saturated myself with christian music, prayer, and the word of God. God blessed me to maintain emotional and sexual purity and I had never felt closer to Him than I did during that time.

Nevertheless, there were still temptations and sometimes fear that my "waiting on the Lord" for a mate wouldn't prove worthy and I would end up old, alone, or with someone who would make my life miserable. I was also concerned because I was realizing how naive I had been when it came to men. I wondered how I would know when God finally did bring "Mr. Right" along. I had no christian father who was active in my life to cover, teach, or guide me and I didn't know anything about what to look for in a husband.

Nevertheless, James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

I began to seek the Lord for wisdom in this area. I asked him to show me what standards I should hold a potential husband to and just like a father does for his daughter, God began to speak during my prayer and study time. Here are some standards he illuminated to me through the word of God:


Salvation - "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (2 COR 6:14, NIV).

Are you convinced this person is a born-again Christian? How do you know?

Like-mindedness- "Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"(Amos 3;3, KJV)

Are you both of the same mind when it comes to major issues such as salvation, doctrine, sexual purity, priorities, biblical womanhood, manhood, children, ministry etc?

Influence- "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners"(1 cor 5:33 , KJV).

Does this person have a a positive influence on your life and that of others? Are they the kind of person you can learn from and look up to? Will they cause you to be closer to God or further apart?


Relationship with Parents- "Whoso curseth his father or his mother, his lamp shall be put out in obscure darkness" (Proverbs 20 20).

How does he treat his mother and father? Is he obedient? Respectful? Does he have open communication with them?

Faithfulness- "Most men will proclaim every one his own goodness: but a faithful man who can find?" (Proverbs 20:6).

Is he consistent in his character? Is he committed and loyal in relationships and business?

Integrity- "The just man walketh in his integrity: his children are blessed after him" (Proverbs 20:7).

Is he honest? Does he stand up for what's right regardless of the cost? Is he ashamed of Christ and the gospel or does he stand up for it openly?

Soon, I began to feel more confident that not only would God bless me with the one he had for me, but that he had given me some wisdom and standards for what kind of man I should be praying and waiting for.

I've been away from the computer for awhile; however, stay tuned. I am working on Part 3 of the courtship series!

On Courtship- Courtship Series Part 1

Recently, a Virtuous Living reader emailed me. She wrote:

I enjoy your posts and your blog regularly. As a sister in Christ who has traveled the road of singleness/ courting/ marriage I wanted to know if you could offer some advice. There is a guy that is interested in courting me. I have never courted (according to Christian principles) before, and I'm not sure how to proceed. What are some good rules to follow when courting from your perspective? Are there books you recommend? Besides getting to know each other (and seeking God), what should the couple be doing? Any other advice and/ or;, suggestions?

Thanks!

PS- Feel free to post these questions to your blog!

As a christian mom, I desire to gain a better understanding of this area so that I can guide my children when the time comes. In addition, I want to be a blessing to those of you who may have the same and/or similar questions. So, I plan to devote some upcoming post to the subject of Courtship.

Let me begin by saying I am in NO WAY an expert on this subject! In fact, since I have been researching material in this area, I am learning new information that I have never heard before. Though I will share a little about my personal experiences, there are various why I wouldn't say that those experiences entirely align with the biblical model of courtship( I will explain more on this in a future post).

With that, as you read my ideas and experiences on this, please keep in mind that "my approach," to courtship was based on my own unique set of circumstances and the biblical principals I understood and was able to apply at the time. It is not meant to be taken as "doctrine." As I heard a preacher say once, "You can't make a doctrine out of personal experiences!" True doctrine must come from the word of God.

With that said, perhaps you are reading this and actually have alot of biblical teaching/resources in this area. Maybe you are reading this and have many questions you would like to be addressed in this area. Please, feel free to join the upcoming discussion and give your "2 cents!"

5 Years of Friendship, 2 Years of Courtship, 5 Years of Marriage, and...

...still going strong! 

Tomorrow hubby and I will be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary and we are so excited!

Hubby kicked off a little pre-celebrating last Friday, when he came home with everything he could think of that I might like: iced coffee, chocolate, and a bouquet of fresh calla lilies. This was same flower that my bouquet was made up of on our wedding day (nice touch babe;)

I shared with you the story of you how we met in this post. But, I never went into detail about our courtship. Nevertheless, seeing as a friend recently suggested that I blog more on the topic of singleness and courtship, and because I hope this blog will be a source of encouragement for both married and unmarried people, I am working on a post about our courtship story.

For now, here are a few resources that I either found to be helpful during the single/courting season of my life, or that I came across after I was married, but would have found helpful before:

Courtship and Sexual Purity:

I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris

Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge

Biblical Womanhood and Submission: 

The Other Side of The Garden: Biblical Womanhood For Today's World by Virginia Fugate

The Power of A Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian

Also, Christa Taylor's blog, Empowered Traditionalist is a great site for young women who are single, courting, and concerned with virtuous living. 

Check our her post: What To Do While Single.